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Introduction
Hi Lovelies,
I hope your Friday the 13th wasn’t too spooky (or I suppose I hope it was spooky if you like spooky). As promised, here are the rest of the letters between Nancy and Chitra.
Content warnings in Outroduction.
Nancy and Chitra’s Letters
My Nancy,
I shall begin this letter with good news, for it seems your heart could use lifting. I, too, shall dine with the Marshalls on the night you will be there. Let this news bring a smile to your face as you prepare to spend another evening with Simon.
Though I am grateful Simon was not unkind to you, I am sorry to hear how poorly your conversation went. It is a shame he is so poor in his social graces but is it not also curious? It is not the case that he finds you of no interest, for he was engaged with your stories. We have both spoken with men who held no interest in what we told them. I trust your ability to have recognized this if it was happening. It is odd then that Simon offered so little.
I admit you have made me curious with your stories. Perhaps he falters when he speaks. Could it be he does not know how to speak to a woman as beautiful as you are? I will be shocked if he has ever laid eyes on someone as enchantingly beautiful as you. Your hair upon that night shined in its curls. The emerald pin which it held glimmered in the candlelight and brought focus to the stitching done by your own hand upon the neckline and hem. You were a sight I was honored to behold, Nancy. Perhaps this beauty stole the words from Simon’s mind. Do you think this is a possible explanation?
I am so grateful for your kind words about my prospects with Jacob. Your flattery has served to bring me confidence as I prepare to see him again soon. A vain part of me also hopes he will grow to see value in my thoughts. I will not expect this of him, though. I am far less educated than he is. It will be enough for me to be valued by you. I am convinced no one will ever see me the way you do.
Nancy, you apologized for your wishful images, but they warmed my heart. When I sit on the lawn, distracted from the book in my hands, I often imagine you by my side. I have spent many hours imagining what it would be to hold your hand as we strolled through the garden. Your pale, gentle skin against the soft brown of my own. Basking in the knowledge that the smoothness of your skin is in part due to the lotion I gifted you for your most recent birthday. I would stand close enough that no one could doubt the shape our love takes.
Nancy, I trust your judgment of the situation we find ourselves in. If remaining with Simon seems to be the path of least resistance toward a future which, if not the one we dream of, is spent together, then perhaps he is worth the strife. But perhaps you deem it worth the fight to withstand your father’s pressure to be married. I do not believe this is an easy decision, and I shall be your most dedicated supporter no matter what path you choose. I trust we will remain in each other’s lives, whatever you choose.
Dreaming of you as well,
A. Chitra
Dearest Chitra,
I write to you with good news. After our dinner at the Marshall’s house, I have much to report on Simon and have come to see his kinder side. I shall begin where the night began.
All throughout dinner as I sat beside my one true love. I spoke with you and my mother, and I kept my ear open for the sound of Simon’s voice. I expected to hear his laughter, as he was willing to laugh when in my presence. I did not expect the long winded tales he appeared to be telling our fathers and his brother at the other end of the table. I admit it was unladylike, the amount of rage which filled me. It was also underserved. Simon did not owe me a good conversation. However, I believed this proof that Simon did not care for me. Your theory that he was made silent by my beauty was flattering, but he does not seem the type to be frightened from his wits by a pretty woman in a golden dress. I tried to sit tall and behave unbothered and ladylike as we ate despite my irritation. I hope you will tell me whether this was successful or not. My mother would be quite disappointed if she found my mood was poor during dinner.
I was happy to hear the other women speak when we left the men for the drawing room. They were not distracted by Simon’s voice over dinner and were, therefore, able to properly appreciate the looks Jacob was apparently giving you from across the table. It brought me joy to hear you’d gained an admirer in him. To hear your mother and Lady Marshall discuss it, there is every prospect of a suited match. It was an extra relief to hear his previous hesitancy to marry had no secret reason but was due to his own insecurities. That his mother calls him shy, yet you were able to draw him from his shell speaks wonders of you.
It is with some shame that I admit I had no focus on you and Jacob when the men joined us. I hope I may assume from your contented smile as the evening ended that your evening also went well. Please let me know, my Chitra. I hope he remained the kind gentleman you thought him to be.
I shall make you wait no longer. I shall report what occurred between Simon and me as we sat in chairs in the corner of the drawing room, speaking in conspiratorially hushed tones. Simon entrusted me with a secret which I shall now entrust with you. He began by apologizing for his behavior the last time we spoke. He told me he was incredibly grateful for my conversation as it distracted him. He complimented my good sportsmanship during our previous talk and spoke of my character, voice, and appearance in a kind way which would be immodest to repeat. Suffice to say I have only before been made to blush quite so furiously by letters from your own pen.
Simon did not pause his words for even a moment as he switched from talking of my traits to talking of himself. As it turns out, Simon is afflicted by a strange curse-like malady. As he explains it, he may feel nearly free one day and wake up feeling trapped in place the next. His entire body becomes afflicted with pain such that even small movements require significant energy and patience. He told me he was in the midst of such pain at our last meeting. To move through dinner and to walk from room to room took much effort and caused him much distress.
As he told me this, I tried to interject with my sympathies as it felt appropriate, but he kept talking. At one point, he said he must finish his apology before “my beautiful voice could distract his heart again.” He explained that, as I spoke with him last time, it took much for him not to request to leave the room to go to sleep and hope for a better tomorrow. In the end, he remained because he enjoyed my stories so much. He apologized for his lack of engagement, the very thing I complained of in my last letter to you. I accepted his apology and offered one of my own for dismissing his poor conversation skills as rudeness. He dismissed my apology as unnecessary with the grace of a true gentleman.
Oh, my Chitra, you were right. His demeanor which frustrated me did, in fact, have an explanation. His conversation on this most recent evening was extraordinary. We moved on to lighter topics, and I found him to be thoughtful and witty, a clever storyteller yet a detailed listener.
As the night wound down, he asked if I was not put off by his announcement of his ailing body. I asked if I should be, and he shrugged and said women in the past have thought it was an excuse or a risk to future children. I asked if it was either of these. He laughed at this and said all he could say is he wishes it were but an excuse. When I asked again about children, he shrugged and said his father and mother do not suffer these pains, nor does his brother, yet he cannot be sure of anything. I thought of Martha’s two babies, god rest their souls, and of my dear sister Elizabeth who left us as she gave birth to her daughter. I took his hand and told him we could never know what will come for the children of any couple. He smiled and left me with a kiss upon my hand and a promise to write me.
Oh, Chitra, the candle wax has all nearly melted, so I shall save my excited poetic words about the chances of our future for a further letter or meeting. Let me only say I believe I could have a happy life with Simon now. I understand him more fully, and I thoroughly enjoyed our conversation tonight. I have room only for you in my heart, love. But marriages have been built on worse foundations than friendship.
With all my love,
Nancy Robinson
Lovely Nancy,
Such relief filled me when I read your last letter. I had hoped to receive such news from you. It seemed as though Simon was more engaged and involved with conversation when I saw you last. I am so glad to hear this was true. It is unfortunate to hear the reason for this discrepancy brings suffering to a kind man, though it is refreshing to hear you believe him to be a kind man.
I am grateful not just that your conversation was more tolerable but that Simon appears to see you as someone special. He is wise enough to recognize a fine woman when he speaks with her. It also impresses me to know he began your conversation with an admission of wrongdoing, an explanation of the circumstances which allows you to better understand his character, and an apology. His level of humility is, I believe, seldom seen in men. He seems truly kind, and given you found his conversation stimulating beyond his confession, he must also be interesting. Your news of him gives me hope for our future.
My Nancy, I cannot help but worry if it is kind of us to marry these men when we do not love them, as a wife is meant to love her husband. I ask not just for Simon but for Jacob as well. Are we depriving deserving men of love? Is this ploy of ours unkind? Both of us recognize we do not have a desire for men, which other women seem to have. What right have you or I to marry a kind man?
I beg you to respond with haste, my Nancy, for Jacob will visit my home in three days’ time. In a letter I received from him this morning, he requested this visit. He sent along a man to return the response to him today. In his letter, he requested to speak privately to my father as well. I showed my mother, and we sent back an affirmative reply. I trust you understand what will happen, my Nancy.
If I do not hear from you in time, I shall accept any offer Jacob puts before me. He is kind and has made interesting, pleasant conversations both times I dined with him. I do not wish to marry any man, but I would marry a man much worse than Jacob Miller in order to live my life with you by my side.
Yours and yours alone,
A. Chitra
My Chitra,
I apologize so sincerely for my delayed response. While delivering your last letter the carrier was taken quite ill. Unfortunately, your letter was misplaced for at least a day while we assisted him and I suspect it will take another day to find a suitable replacement. Do not worry after the mail carrier. He is recovering from his illness well. He merely requires rest and recovery before we send him on his way.
Now that I’ve explained the delay in my response, I shall answer your inquiries:
I, too, was and remain excited by the man I have found in Simon. I am hopeful for what may come from our mutual enjoyment of each other.
I believe my letter will reach you after you are already engaged. I hope you feel no guilt over this action, Chitra. It may be true that we will never love them as your mother loves your father, but it is safe to say we are beginning a marriage with better intentions than my parents, one of whom wanted money and the other land. If we did not marry these men, then who is to say they would find a match of love? I do hope my words have quelled your guilt. It is not the right of a good man to marry for romance. It is not his right to marry at all. It is not our right either. Some days I feel that marrying is our punishment.
We are not stealing a future from these men but giving them one. Take heart in your value, Chitra.
Congratulations,
Nancy Robinson
Dearest Nancy,
I am grateful for your report upon the wellbeing of the mail carrier Thomas. My staff had become quite concerned when he did not appear for several days. I hope by the time I next receive word from you, he will be healed.
I also appreciate your kind reassurance about marrying the Marshall brothers. I suppose my own parent’s romance holds such attention in my home that I forgot it is not a guarantee. How foolish of me. I still feel some guilt at the deception of love I am portraying to Jacob, but I shall attempt to take comfort in your words.
Nancy, have I upset you? Your letter was shorter than any I have ever received from you. It is true I am now engaged to be married to Jacob Marshall. I suspect the formal announcement of this will soon arrive at your home. Are you so hurt by my engagement that it has injured your feelings for me? Are you so upset that you cannot bring yourself to write more? My heart, I wish to know what ails you that I may fix it. I am more anxious about you than I am about my wedding.
The wedding is all that has been spoken of in my home for several days. There is nothing else for me to tell you about in my life, and I do not wish to upset you further by continuing to discuss this.
I love you, Nancy. I wish so desperately I could come to your home to discuss these matters with you, but alas, my eldest brother has returned home to live in the main house for several days in celebration, so it would be rude of me to leave.
I do love you so, Nancy, and I fear it needs repeating. I ache with love for you, and I have become engaged to Jacob Marshall because we believed it best for us. If you have changed your mind, please tell me. I will face a broken engagement if it would bring you peace of mind.
Love,
A. Chitra
My Chitra,
I am not upset with you or with any of your actions. Please take comfort in this knowledge. I am glad you have secured a man to marry who is kind and who you were able to choose. I am also so glad he is the brother of the man I am courting. The shortness of my letter and my lack of celebration at your news was not displeasure at the steps we have taken to ensure a future together but despair at the world for making these the only steps available to us. There is nothing you could say or do more perfectly to quiet these thoughts in my mind.
Chitra, do you remember the ball at the Bell’s house during our first season in London? There were more young women than men, so many dances would have several girls standing to the side of the room gossiping with each other. For one of the final dances, we were both without a partner. I did not want to stand still, so I sought you out and wrote my name on your dance card. I knew how to lead from our hours of practicing dancing in your family hall. You blushed as I took your hand at the start of the next song and pulled you to the dance floor. You told me people were watching, and I told you they were just jealous of me because I was dancing with you. I believe it was a waltz which I danced with you in that room. I would later learn from my mother that there were whispers of how young and foolish we were, but I didn’t notice then. We smiled and danced together. I held the bodice of your dress close to mine and was impressed with how fresh you smelled after a night of dancing. Your hands were soft, and your footwork was excellent, and though I had eyes for no one but you, I am certain we were the most beautiful dancers on the floor.
Your gown that night was a vibrant blue with bronze trim. Your mother had her sister send the fabric over from India, and I know it’s one of your favorite dresses. You wore it well, and it hugged your bodice wonderfully, its skirt beautifully pleated. Your grandmother’s earrings dangling from your ears swung gently as we stepped. We wore gowns which allowed us to stand close to each other. Our bodies pressed together as our feet took steps, and we turned in unison. I have never danced so close to another, for men are too likely to step on my feet. I knew you would not misstep, though. We had danced before, and we would dance together again.
You are a skilled and elegant ballroom dancer Chitra. When we danced that night, I thought naught of the scolding I would receive from my mother. I scarcely even recognized our act for what it was: unusual and rebellious. I only thought of you and me and our dance.
I wish we could live in the world of that dance. When we were on the ballroom floor, no one would stop us. No matter their thoughts, they stayed on the sidelines and let us dance. If people held their tongues as well in other spheres of life, I would whisk you away and spend my life with you and you alone. I do not care what others think, for it is not a love for them which courses through my veins. If they stayed quiet, what does it matter what they think of how we dance through our lives together?
But they do not stay silent. And our mothers and fathers and sisters and brothers and friends are among those who would object to us.
If I was short and upset, it was not with you but with them. Your engagement marks the end of a fantasy, and this ending is painful for me.
I am deeply sorry for the distress my tone caused you. I hope you will enjoy your time with your family. Perhaps I would visit, but Simon is to visit tomorrow night. My father is away, so I do not expect news from this visit, but it and my brother’s birthday the day after leave me with no time to visit you in the near future. I am excited for when we do meet again. Please let me know what plans have been made for your nuptials so that I may begin to celebrate this new story in your life.
Love,
Nancy Robinson
Dear Nancy,
Oh Nancy, the movements your letter took my heart through are a dance of their own. I am quite relieved not to be the cause of your distress, but it brings me pain to see you in distress at all. I hope through the course of this letter, I can alleviate some of this anguish.
Firstly, of course, I remember that ball. I have not worn that gown a second time, for I want it to only remind me of your light purple bodice pressed against my own. I could feel the dark magenta ruffle of your dress’s wrist upon my own skin. It was also made from Indian fabric. You had loved my own dress of that color so much I had my mother send you the scraps that you may have it added to your own wardrobe.
I, too, became lost in a fantasy as we danced. I, too, wish we could live that dance our entire lives. I share this longing with you alongside our love. You need not feel alone in your disappointment when I am by your side – and I will always be by your side.
My heart, my Nancy, it is true our fantasy of a life lived as each other’s partners has ended. Allow me then to paint us a new fantasy of our future together. The image of this possibility has formed in my mind as family and friends ask if I am excited to be wed to Jacob Marshall. I think of our next few years. I shall be the wife of one man and you the wife of another. We will treat our men kindly and, in time, bear them heirs. Through this process, we shall rely upon each other, as women often do. When we become mothers and as our children grow, we will have every excuse to see one another. You shared a tutor with my cousins, and your aunt often accompanied her children to your home. We will be in each other’s lives in this way for many years.
As our children grow, so will we, and with maturity comes freedom and respect. Perhaps, by the time our children marry, we shall be able to share a bed from time to time. No one will question us because no one will dare. No matter what privacy we are permitted, we may attend dinners, luncheons, and social functions at each other’s homes with more frequency since no more will we live below our parents’ roofs. I may not be able to make you my wife, but I have every intention of making you the person around whom my world revolves.
Nancy, one day I will sit beside you as we watch the sunset. I will rest my head full of silvering hair upon your shoulder. We will reminisce about our lives and be happy for what time we have together. You will take my hand into yours, and we will talk of all of the fantasies we crafted together over the years of our lives. Perhaps we will remember this letter and laugh. Perhaps we will remember our dance, and you will insist on once again sweeping me off my feet. Perhaps we will talk about joys which I cannot yet imagine. No matter the topic, we will be happy, and we will be together.
I will not sully this love letter to you with plans for my wedding. Come to me after your brother’s birthday. We shall celebrate and plan. When we are no longer in the presence of others, I will convince you of the magic of this new fantasy.
With Love and Hope,
A. Chitra
Outroduction
Content Warnings:
- Period typical homophobia (background)
- Discussions of and fear of abusive relationships
- Miscarriage (mentioned)
- Ablism (background)
Thank you so much for reading this story! I love Chitra and Nancy so much, and I hope they got to live out all of their wishes!
Another thank you to my friend Chitra for locating these and reading through them enough to send me a text which read, “I found more lesbians!”
In two weeks, I’ll have another story for you all; in the meantime, stay queer and take care of yourself.
Authors Notes
Thank you again to @intricaitly for the doodles on these letters!
Again, please ignore the grammatical discrepancies between the images and the text… I forgot to grammar check before I sent them to intricaitly to do the doodles, and editing them would be quite the hassle. I appreciate you all!
