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Introduction
Hello, Lovelies!
For the first time in 3 posts, I am the one who found this story. I was perusing and came across Theodore’s journals from the late 17th century. Like the journals from Maribel a few months ago, this one was not originally written in English. It was written in a crude germanic dialect which actually allowed the people who keep this journal to give a good idea of where Theodore lived.
There are some notes at the end of this story as to the ending (it’s a tad open ended). So make sure to read those after you’re done reading the journals themselves.
As with the earlier story, the English translations will be shown alongside the German photographs.
- Mentions of death (maternal)
- Depiction of Panic Attack/Flashback
- Ableism
The Journal of Theodore
Helen says it is strange to say they are both pretty. Helen doesn’t find people pretty. Helen plans to never find people pretty. Helen has never said anyone is pretty, so I do not trust her. They are both pretty. Even though one of them is a boy. They arrived in town last week, and I was sure they would not stay for very long. They are now being helped to build a new home. It will be a short walk from my home.
They are both very pretty. Their names are Matthew and Frances. I wrote this down as if I would ever forget their names.
Matthew is white like me. He keeps his hair short. His hair is brown. It is a lighter shade than my brown hair.
Frances is brown. She is a lighter brown than Helen. Helen says it is possible only one of her parents is brown. Her hair is brown and wavy. It is as dark brown as my hair. The covering she wore on it is nice. It is blue, and it made Helen jealous.
I still have not met the new people. Helen met them yesterday. She will work with Frances. Apparently, Frances is a very good seamstress. Helen will work with Frances. Matthew will spend his time with Helen and Frances until he finds work.
Perhaps it is good that I will not work with them. I should not become too interested in Matthew. Frances is with Matthew. I cannot be with Matthew.
I wish I could be with Matthew, but I will not say this out loud.
I said to Helen that she does not find people pretty. She says she does find them pretty. She does not think this matters. She doesn’t know why I care that Matthew is very very pretty. Perhaps I should not care also?
I will describe Matthew and Frances now. I will do this to practice writing. I will also do this because I cannot stop thinking about Matthew, and I cannot stop thinking about Frances.
Matthew is like a bee hive. I do not notice him until he demands attention.
No, this is bad.
Matthew is like a candle lit before dusk. He appears before I think to wish for him and remains a steady presence.
That is better.
Matthew is like a new home. I do not know how.
I will move on to Frances.
Frances is like Helen. She is a funny seamstress.
That is a fact.
Frances is not like Helen, because Frances has hair which makes me smile. She has hair which does not sit still. It is like the breeze when the breeze blows through it.
Frances has hair which curves around her head like a nest. That is mean. I do not want to be mean to Frances’s hair.
Frances has hair which sits in the air as if the rules of earth do not apply. I do not want to call it witchcraft, but I am in awe that it is possible. The color is beautiful. It is like wheat, but a darker color.
Oh! That is a good comparison.
Frances has hair like brown wheat. It waves in the wind.
That is good.
Frances is like wheat. Matthew is pretty like a good house.
It is not always about how Matthew looks. It is about how Matthew acts. He is calm and sturdy.
Matthew is like a new house. He is sturdy and I trust him.
Matthew is also patient. This is how Matthew is like a candle. Matthew is patient.
I accidentally showed my hand to Frances. She was not surprised. No, that is not true. She was surprised, but she was not upset. This made me happy. I would not be surprised if she told Matthew. He was looking at my hand today. I kept it in my pocket while he was there. I do not need him to know. I do not like it when new people know about my hand.
Helen’s mom is dead. I do not know how to write about this. It is not because I do not know how to spell the words. I do not know how to put words in an order which explains how I feel. I do not know how to write about death. Helen tries not to cry in front of me. I think she does not cry because her brothers do not cry. Helen needs to cry. Helen’s mom is dead.
Helen is making a black cloth to wear. Her clothes are always nice. She is good at her craft. Her mother taught her well.
Frances has a head scarf made of black cloth. She is letting Helen have it since she is in mourning. Frances helped Helen wrap her hair. I think Frances was crying. I am not sure.
Frances knows letters too. Frances knows how to put letters on cloth with thread. Frances wrote Helen’s mother’s name on a cloth. Her name is spelled “Beatrice”. Helen read it, then she held the cloth to her chest. Helen cried. I do not like to watch Helen cry. I was glad that Helen did cry.
When Helen cries it is like a candle’s smell. You know the smell is needed for the light, the smell is still bad.
That was not good. Helen deserves a better comparison. I want to do more for Helen. Frances made her happy. Frances tries to make everyone happy. When it is possible, she succeeds.
Frances and Matthew invited me and Helen into their home. Matthew did see my hand while I was there. He did not laugh at its shape. He did not ask me about my mother. He did not ask any questions. He smiled up at me after he saw it. I did not understand this smile.
Helen asked Frances and Matthew lots of questions. She asked them about where they came from.
They are from nearby. Matthew fought in the war. They only stayed in the other town a little while after Matthew returned from war. I do not know why. They did not say.
I have forgotten to write down the exciting news. Matthew is not married to Frances. It is odd for me to be excited about this. I am not excited because Frances is unmarried. I am excited because Matthew is unmarried.
After I found this out I asked if Matthew had a wife. He does not. He looked at Frances before he answered this question. Matthew and Frances sat very close even though they are not married.
While we were in their house, I noticed that there is cloth beside their bed in a pile. I think there were a lot of small pieces of cloth with names on them. They looked like the cloth that Frances gave Helen for her mom. There were many of them. I could not count them fast.
I asked what they were. Frances said they were for friends. Matthew did not answer. We left shortly after. I walked past their house later that night. I think I heard Matthew crying. I wish he did not need to cry. I hope I did not make him upset.
Matthew has begun to be a doctor in town. I think Helen talked to him. Helen is good at making people do things. Helen made me be the apprentice to Leonard. Now I am the chandler. I hope Matthew being a doctor is like me being a chandler. I hope it lasts for a long time. I like Matthew being around. I like Matthew a lot.
Alice is like a candle. Alice has no brain.
Today I delivered candles to Alice. Alice has heard that Matthew is going to be a doctor in town. Alice heard Matthew helped Simon’s son’s cough. Alice said to me that I should talk to Matthew. I told Alice I often talked to Matthew. Alice said something stupid next. Alice told me I should have Matthew help fix my hand.
If Alice ever steals my notebook and learns to read I want her to read this line first
Alice, that is dumb.
Alice, you are dumb.
Alice, my hand will not grow back. Alice I do not have a hand to fix.
Maybe I should be nicer, even though no one will ever read this.
No. This is for me. I will be mean. Alice did not use her brain to do this. Her husband must be very good at math since he is the one who does money for the old Lord. He must not teach her anything. She does not have a brain.
Alice is like her husband. Except she is not. Her husband has a brain.
I do not know what was wrong with Matthew. He was talking to me while I made candles. This is normal. Then I dropped something. It was loud. Then Matthew was not talking. He did not talk. He was shaking. I was afraid because it was strange. The last time I saw someone shake was before Helen’s mom died. Her mom shook a lot before she died. I was worried Matthew would die. I do not want Matthew to die. I like Matthew. I think Matthew is my best friend. Except for Helen. I will not tell Helen I wrote that.
Matthew stopped shaking and started crying. He fell onto himself. Then he fell off of the stool and onto the floor. He was crying. I asked if he was okay. He said he was too okay. I do not know what that means. Is Matthew so good at being a doctor he made himself too healthy?
I did not know what to do. I sat and did not make candles. I ruined one candle because I was waiting. I tried to touch him for comfort. He did not like this. He did not want to be touched. So I stayed with him. I hope staying with him was enough.
When he stopped he thanked me for staying. Of course I stayed. I just wanted to do more than stay. I wanted to help. Also, he is my friend. I would not leave him when he is sick or too healthy. I wish I knew what hurt him.
I asked if he was better when he was done. He told me he would not get better. He told me he needed Frances.
I asked if Frances made it better. He said she tried. He said she would be there for him.
I told him I could be there for him. I said this like a child. I said this because I wished he would stay. I did not think he would stay. I said this like a child who wants to win the prize they are too young to win.
This is a bad comparison though. I won the prize. Matthew said he would stay if I would put my arms around him and squeeze him tight.
I held out my hand to remind him I could not squeeze with one hand. He gave me a look that I did not understand.
He asked me what I meant. I told him. He said my hand did not matter for an embrace.
Then I embraced Matthew. He smelled like my candle shop and like his home. He began to cry again. I held him tighter. He was right. I did not need my hand.
Frances arrived soon and was confused. Then she was worried for Matthew. Then she took Matthew home to sleep.
I was like a child again. I said he could sleep at my house. She said no. She said he might have a nightmare. I said I have had nightmares too. She smiled at me. She took Matthew home.
I will go to bed now. I will think about Matthew when I go to bed.
I spoke with Matthew today. He looked tired. He was still pretty, but he was tired. I did not ask if he had a nightmare. He did not tell me.
I asked if he was better. He did not answer this with simple words. Instead we talked for a long time. Matthew told me about his life. It was a story about a war and death and fear. I will not write his story down. It is not my story. And it is hard.
Matthew’s story is like a maze.
Matthew tells stories like he is telling a prayer.
Matthew had not told this story before. I asked if he’d told Frances. He said he had not. He said he had never said this story out loud before.
I wonder how he can put his words in such a pretty order without thought.
I asked if he wrote prayers or poetry. He said not yet.
When he was finished telling me his story he was shaking slightly. This worried Me again. I asked if I could hug him again. He said yes.
Embracing Matthew is like holding a leaf steady in a breeze.
He relaxed in my arms.
We talked a little when he was done. I waited until he let go first. He held onto me for a while. I felt his fingers grip my back. I tried to do the same. I only have one hand, but he seemed to appreciate it anyway.
Matthew is a man, but Matthew is very pretty and very kind. I am glad I was there for Matthew today.
Today was funny. Helen, Frances, Matthew, and I ate dinner together. It is always fun to be with friends. Frances gave me a gift. It is one of the pieces of cloth she gives when someone dies. She knows that I know how to read, so she let me read it. The cloth had the words “Left Hand of Theodore” on it. I laughed a lot at this. So did Helen once I read it out loud. Frances smiled a lot. Matthew did not seem to find it as funny. Matthew did enjoy that we were laughing.
Being with my friends is like being with a warm fire.
I will sleep well, and I will have happy dreams.
This is the first year I will be able to spend the winter celebration with Matthew and Frances. I got them gifts. They did the same for me. It was lovely to celebrate with them. Since Helen’s mom died and her brothers live far away none of us have a family to celebrate with.
We celebrate with each other.
I gave Matthew a journal. He has several, but this one was bound in leather and decorated by a local leather maker. It has a strap for his belt and a latch to keep the pages safe. He loved it. He said he might begin to write a poem in it.
I gave Helen 2 candles, as I do every year.
I gave Frances special fleece from a local farm. I do not know why it is special, but she could tell and she enjoyed it.
Helen gave me a new shirt, as she does every year.
Frances gave me a pair of gloves. They both fit. She made a glove specifically to fit my hand that is not a hand. It fits just right. I almost cried. My hand will now be warm. I love the gift.
Matthew gave me a small book he owned. I now own three books. He said he loves this book. He wants me to have the book he loves. He wants me to enjoy the book he enjoys. I trust so much that I will like this book. I like Matthew.
I love Matthew.
Helen asked if I was in love with Matthew. I told her no. Helen asked if I had thought about it. I paused. Then I answered no again. She asked this while I was working. I did not have time. I kept making the candle I was going to sell in my store front.
Helen asked how I knew if I was in love with Matthew. I asked if Helen was in love with Frances. She did not like this question. She said I was not being serious. She was right.
We were quiet for a little while. I kept making candles. They are made of beeswax so they will smell nice and I will make good money from them.
Helen was quiet when she spoke next. She told me sometimes when Matthew looks at me Helen thinks there is love in his eyes.
I do not know how she knows this. Neither does Helen. She could not explain it.
I asked her why she thinks I could love a man in that way. It seems impossible for me to feel that way.
Helen told me since she does not love at all maybe I had the love she was meant to give a man.
I looked to her. I know this is not true. I told her so. She does love. She loves differently and does not understand people being pretty. It does not mean she does not love.
She told me she knew what I said. This was a joke.
I told her it was a bad joke.
She told me she knew that too.
I had hoped we were done talking about this. We were not.
Helen asked again if I loved Matthew. I sighed at her in hopes she would stop asking. She asked again.
I told her I did not know. She asked how I could not know. I told her I had not thought of it. It seemed clear to me that Frances felt love for Matthew and he feels love for her. She said that they had told us they were only friends. She told me that friends can be close. She pointed out that many people have asked us if we will marry. She said maybe just like she is my friend but I love Matthew, maybe Frances is his friend and he loves me.
I was upset at this. I do not know what I feel. I told her this again. I do not know. I do not like that she thinks she knows when I do not know.
She got quiet after this. I made more candles. Eventually she went back to weave with Frances.
It now feels odd to write about Matthew. Helen has confused me. I do feel strongly for him. I do think it is possible that I feel love for him. I think of him all day. I wish our homes were closer so I could talk to him more often. Some days, when Frances goes on her walks in the evening I sit with Matthew. Sometimes we talk. Sometimes we don’t. I like being near him.
I always want to be near him. His conversation is enthralling. I wish I could talk to him all day while I am at work. Before he was working in town he was more free during the day. He sat by me some days. Other days he sat by Frances or Helen. One day I was able to not work and could sit with Matthew all day while Helen and Frances were busy. I still think of that day.
He is so pretty. It confuses me how pretty I find him.
When I look at a pretty sunset, I think of him.
This week I talked to a lot of people. I spoke to Helen. I told her how I had been feeling. I said sorry for my tone before. She gave me advice to sort out my feelings. I followed it.
I spoke with Matthew alone. We spent an afternoon on a walk amongst the town. I was awkward, but I asked him about how he felt about Frances. He was quiet for a moment. Then he said he loved her. He said she was his friend. She is his friend. She means more to him than anyone in the world. She is his deepest connection to another person. He believes this to be true in both directions. She is his deepest and truest friend.
I also asked Frances the nature of her relations to Matthew. We were sitting beside her loom. She was using the wool I had gifted her. She said her and Matthew are close and have been close for many years.
I asked why and she became quiet.
She told me they had spent much of their life together.
I asked why they had not gotten married. She said that was not the type of relationship they had.
I was feeling brave. I asked if that was the type of relationship she wanted with him.
She was quiet. She asked why I asked.
I was quiet. I told her part of the truth. I told her I cared for both of them, quite deeply. I told her I did not want to disrupt what they had, because I found it pretty in itself.
This made Frances smile. She told me she cares for me too.She told me Matthew cares for me too.
I told her I think I am in love with Matthew.
This made Frances smile more. She did not seem surprised.
I asked if she thought this was okay.
She said of course it is okay.
I asked if she thought he loved me.
She said she could not answer this. She put her hand on my arm. She told me I should tell Matthew.
The next night Frances was at Helen’s house and I went over to see Matthew.
I did not tell him I love him. I am too nervous for that. He is so pretty it makes me nervous.
I do not remember how it started, but I made a joke about being jealous that he was able to share a bed with Frances because they share a home.
Matthew said I could stay with him overnight.
I asked why.
Matthew said he did not want me to leave. I was quiet and he continued. He said it is like a small portion of his heart is walking away when I leave.
He is so good with words. I do not know how he does that. That is such a good comparison. He is a part of my heart, just like Matthew said.
I was focused on his words and did not respond to what he said.
He asked if I would stay over. I told him not yet. I told him I should ask Helen.
Matthew’s eyebrows rose. He asked if I was married to Helen. I laughed at this. I will never marry Helen. I told him this.
He asked why.
I told him it is not right.
He asked how I knew. I paused. I do not know.
I told him this. I told him I do not know why I will never marry Helen. I do not think Helen wants to be married ever. I do not think this is why I do not think I will marry her.
Matthew asked if I wanted to marry Helen.
I said no.
He asked how I knew.
I shrugged again. I do not know how I know, but I do.
He and I thought about this for some time. I did not sleep at their house that night. It is three days later. I wish I had slept there. I miss him. I wish I could have felt his bodies heat beside mine. I think I could write a poem about that.
I slept in the same bed as Frances and Matthew last night. Frances gave us space and laid facing the other direction. I do not know how to spell enough words to write poetry about him.
I am upset. I went to Frances and Matthew’s house and did not go inside.
I was around their house and I heard a shout. Not a shout of fear but a shout of anger. I could tell they were arguing.
I took only a few steps closer, I did not want to be rude but I wanted to know. I wanted to make sure they were okay.
After the shout they were quiet.
Then they would get loud for a moment, then quiet again.
They argue like a drum beat.
I could not hear the quiet parts. I think I am glad. I would feel bad if I had heard them. I was not supposed to hear them.
I did hear the loud parts. I forgot most of them.
I did not forget when Matthew shouted, We can’t tell anyone
And Frances shouted back, Theodore is not just anyone.
They got quiet again and I left after Frances’s low voice shouted, Because you clearly love him, Matthew. Is that not a good enough reason? Or do you think we need
But she didn’t finish her sentence because Matthew shouted, Hush.
I tried not to make noise as I ran away. I do not want them to know.
I cried while I made candles the rest of the day. Helen came home from her job and we will both sleep here tonight. She keeps asking me what is wrong. I keep telling her nothing is wrong. I know this is not true. I hurt. There is a secret. It made my friends fight.
Frances says he loves me. Should I be happy about this?
They fought because of me. Should I feel guilty about this?
Matthew may love me. Is it okay that I love him?
I think I do love him. Does this change the guilt I feel now?
Helen is worried. Should I tell her?
They were mad at each other. Does any of this matter if they do not remain friends?
He may love me. Does he think I’m pretty?
He is pretty. He is very pretty.
Is this a poem?
I do not care. I wish they were not mad.
Tomorrow I will talk to Frances and Matthew. They are both busy today. They asked to talk to me. I am very nervous. I still do not know the answer to any of my questions. I told Helen. She did not know what to say.
She cannot read. I read my last words to her. She said they might be a poem. She doesn’t know. She does not know much poetry.
archival note: There were several pages ripped from this notebook here
Love is like a candle. It is warm and it reveals to you things which you may not have known before.
I do love Matthew. Matthew does love me. Frances and Matthew share more with each other than I could ever dream to share with them. But they do not want to court each other. Matthew and I are courting each other.
I am glad they told me their secrets. I am amazed by their secrets. I do not think I fully understand both of their secrets.
If they did not have a bigger secret I would be amazed by the secret of Frances. I asked and I am spelling her name right. This is the way to spell a woman’s name if she is called Frances. Frances said she wants to be treated like a woman. Matthew said Frances is a woman. Frances smiled at this.
I will not care for her less because of this. I do not know if I will care for her differently. This friendship still feels new. I cannot say how it would have been if things were different.
We agreed that people do not need to be told about our relationship. Perhaps one day I will marry Frances. She is close to Matthew so then we could share property. They do not think people will suspect that it is Matthew I am courting.
They do not know what they do not know. That is what Matthew said.
I will tell Helen tomorrow. For now all of this knowledge is mine. Today I also have a secret.
Today we share a secret.
Outroduction
There are about 20 pages left in the journal. They are filled mostly with more candle orders. The few bits of journaling which we do get from Theodore are only two or three sentences long of him being excited because he gets to sleep at Frances and Matthew’s house that night. He never again addresses the secrets that he learned. He does mention that he told Helen the truth about the nature of his relationship, but he doesn’t seem to tell her the other secrets he has. With no further journals to contradict this, I’m choosing to believe they all lived happily ever after.
Records from this area of The Holy Roman Empire in the late 17th century are basically non-existent unless you were uber-rich, so I cannot verify the existence of any of these people or tell you if Frances and Theodore were ever married or if Theodore wound up marrying Matthew somehow. I can tell you that for those last 20 pages where I didn’t show you anything, they seemed happy. Obviously, there are differences in the relationships between Frances and Theodore, between Matthew and Frances, and between Matthew and Theodore, but I can tell you that these three people, according to Theodore’s account, loved each other very deeply.
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